MSc in marriage. A GFH event

Miscellany
1

Preambles.

2

Click on each diamond below, to see the answer to each question.

1. Summarise the video

This video, titled M.SC IN MARRIAGE, is a seminar session from God’s Favourite House TV that focuses on three critical pillars for a successful, godly marriage: Money, Sex, and Communication (7:47-8:00). Featuring guest speaker Pastor Schollah Mabun, the session emphasizes that these areas should not be treated as isolated topics but as symptoms of deeper, root-level issues within the marriage (1:05:46-1:07:28).

Key themes from the session include:

  • Communication Dynamics: The pastor explains that effective communication relies less on words and more on tone (38%) and non-verbal cues/body language (55%) (1:14:48-1:15:15). He encourages couples to create a safe emotional environment where both partners feel free to be vulnerable without fear of judgment (1:24:51-1:25:06).
  • Understanding Sex and Intimacy: The discussion addresses the importance of moving beyond viewing intimacy as a mere duty. It highlights the necessity of learning one’s spouse’s “sex language” and “love language” to foster a beautiful, connected experience (30:46-32:00). The speakers address common hurdles, such as postpartum challenges and fear-related barriers, encouraging couples to seek wisdom and guidance from the Holy Spirit (37:17-37:51; 2:20:00-2:20:34).
  • Financial and Relational Responsibility: The session warns against selfishness in financial decisions—such as prioritizing personal desires over family obligations—and stresses the importance of viewing marriage as a commitment to sacrifice and mutual growth (1:35:35-1:36:58; 2:23:32-2:24:00).

Throughout the program, the audience engages in an extensive Q&A segment, where Pastor Schollah addresses specific scenarios, including handling feedback on performance, managing in-law conflicts, and navigating emotional detachment (2:11:12-3:47:10).

2. What are the three pillars of marriage?

According to the seminar M.SC IN MARRIAGE, the three pillars that hold a marriage together are Money, Sex, and Communication (7:47-8:00).

Pastor Schollah Mabun explains that these three areas are the tripod of the union and should be viewed as follows:

  • Symptoms, not just topics: These three areas act like thermometers that measure the overall health of a marriage (1:06:07). Persistent problems in these areas are often symptoms of deeper, root-level issues within the hearts of the spouses (1:06:12-1:07:28).
  • Interconnectedness: Because these pillars are foundational, improvements in these areas are strong indicators that positive, deeper changes are occurring within the relationship (1:07:17-1:07:28).
  • Foundation of growth: The session emphasizes that mastering these pillars requires maturity, ongoing learning, and a willingness to grow rather than blaming one’s spouse for challenges (1:11:18-1:12:08).
3. How do I improve communication with my spouse?

Improving communication in marriage requires addressing root heart attitudes rather than just focusing on techniques. According to the seminar, here are the key steps to better communication with your spouse:

  • Cultivate Empathy over Selfishness: Shift your focus from winning arguments or protecting your own opinion to truly understanding your spouse’s feelings and perspective (1:16:36 - 1:19:34). Listen to understand, not just to respond.
  • Build Emotional Trust: Create an environment where your spouse feels safe to be vulnerable without fear of being judged, criticized, or rejected (1:20:33 - 1:22:25). Criticism often breaks trust; aim for affirmation instead (1:24:41 - 1:25:06).
  • Practice Humility: Pride makes it difficult to admit when you are wrong. Overcoming this requires the humility to apologize, which is essential for resolving conflicts (1:26:24 - 1:27:14).
  • Be Slow to Speak and Swift to Hear: Use your communication to show that your spouse is important to you. If you don’t understand their viewpoint, ask clarifying questions instead of dismissing them (2:12:48 - 2:13:30).
  • Address Conflicts Promptly: Do not leave conflicts unresolved, as they can act like a “cancer” in the marriage. If your spouse is not ready to talk, agree on a future time to have the conversation (2:44:34 - 2:44:52; 3:35:42 - 3:36:00).
4. What are signs of a communication problem?

Based on the seminar M.SC IN MARRIAGE, several indicators suggest that a couple is experiencing communication challenges rather than merely having a difference of opinion. These signs often point to deeper root issues like selfishness, pride, or a lack of trust:

  • Listening to Respond, Not Understand: When one or both partners are more focused on winning an argument, making their own point, or protecting their own opinion rather than trying to understand the other person’s perspective (1:17:42 - 1:19:34).
  • Frequent Defensive Reactions: If a partner raises “defensive walls” or feels the need to use a shield against perceived attacks, they stop listening to the message being communicated (34:09 - 34:21).
  • Withdrawing or Filtering Information: If a spouse begins to withhold thoughts or filters what they say to avoid being judged, criticized, or rejected, it indicates a breakdown in emotional trust (1:21:40 - 1:21:56).
  • Inability to Apologize: A persistent refusal or inability to say “I’m sorry” often signals that pride is at the root of the communication breakdown, as it requires humility to acknowledge mistakes (1:26:24 - 1:27:14).
  • Escalation into Conflict: When conversations frequently turn into “fire for fire” exchanges, where both parties attack each other instead of discussing the actual issue (34:30 - 34:44).
  • Dismissing Emotions: Telling a partner they are “overreacting” or being too emotional instead of validating their feelings causes the spouse to feel unheard and unimportant (1:33:07 - 1:33:30; 34:42 - 34:50).
5. How does pride affect marriage?

The speaker explains that pride is a significant barrier to a healthy marriage because it often makes a spouse feel they are “better” than their partner or incapable of being wrong (1:25:22 - 1:25:46). This attitude manifests in several destructive ways:

  • Difficult to correct: A proud person struggles to accept feedback or see opposing views because they believe their own position is superior (1:26:17 - 1:26:24).
  • Inability to apologize: It takes humility to admit fault, and a proud spouse often finds it difficult to say “I’m sorry,” which prevents the resolution of conflicts (1:26:27 - 1:26:44).
  • Domination in arguments: Pride drives a desire to always be in charge and to “win” arguments rather than seeking mutual understanding (1:26:51 - 1:27:10).
  • Resistance to growth: When it comes to intimate areas like sex, a proud person may believe they know everything, making them resistant to learning their partner’s preferences (1:58:26 - 1:58:48).
6. What is the opposite of pride?

According to the speaker, the opposite of pride is humility (1:14:05 - 1:14:11). The speaker emphasizes that this quality is essential in a marriage because it allows a person to admit when they are wrong, apologize sincerely, and remain teachable, whereas pride creates barriers to resolution and personal growth (1:26:24 - 1:27:14).

7. How do I practice more humility daily?

In the M.SC IN MARRIAGE seminar, Pastor Schollah Mabun emphasizes that humility is essential for resolving conflicts and maintaining a healthy relationship, as pride often acts as a barrier to effective communication. Here are practical ways to practice humility in your daily life and marriage:

  • Prioritize Apologizing: Humility is demonstrated when you can readily say “I’m sorry” without waiting for your spouse to be wrong first. The seminar notes that pride often makes it difficult to admit mistakes because it seeks to maintain control or always be “right” (1:26:24 - 1:27:14).
  • Shift from Defensiveness to Receptivity: Instead of rejecting your spouse’s feedback or opposing views, cultivate a posture of listening. Use clarifying questions—such as asking for more information or further explanation—to show your spouse that their perspective is important to you (2:12:48 - 2:13:30).
  • Focus on Serving: Because love is described as a verb rather than just an emotion, humility is expressed through sacrificial actions. This means stepping out of your comfort zone to do things your spouse appreciates, even if those actions aren’t naturally your preference (2:23:32 - 2:24:00).
  • Avoid Assuming You Are Better: Recognize that pride often manifests as a subtle belief that you are superior to your spouse in certain areas, such as finances or domestic tasks. Humility requires acknowledging your own limitations and respecting your spouse’s unique contributions (1:25:38 - 1:26:09).
  • Seek Spiritual Maturity: Acknowledge your need for God’s help. The seminar encourages bringing your challenges, lack of wisdom, or confusion to God through prayer, as this humbles the heart and helps you lead or communicate with greater grace rather than reacting out of pride or anger (2:00:36 - 2:01:22; 2:57:01 - 2:57:52).
8. Why is it important to ask clarifying questions?

Asking clarifying questions is a vital communication tool in marriage because it serves several important purposes:

  • Shows You Are Listening: When you ask for further explanation, you communicate to your spouse that they are important to you and that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say (2:13:20-2:13:28).
  • Prevents Misunderstanding: We are not always the best judges of the message we are sending (1:16:17-1:16:25). Asking questions helps ensure you correctly grasp the other person’s perspective rather than assuming their intent, which often leads to conflict (2:12:48-2:13:10).
  • Builds an Emotionally Safe Environment: By seeking to understand rather than dismissing or attacking, you create a space where your spouse feels safe to be vulnerable (1:21:40-1:22:25). When a partner feels heard, they are far more likely to engage openly and honestly, rather than withdrawing or becoming defensive (1:20:33-1:20:56).
9. What is the best way to ask questions?

The speaker advises that the best way to ask questions is to do so with patience and kindness, ensuring your spouse feels safe rather than judged or attacked. (2:12:45-2:13:20).

Key strategies for effective questioning include:

  • Seeking clarification: If you do not understand or disagree with your spouse, ask for more details instead of making assumptions. (2:13:08-2:13:16).
  • Validating feelings: Acknowledge their perspective to show they are important, which encourages them to listen to you in return. (2:13:20-2:13:35).
  • Avoiding defensiveness: Ask questions in a way that does not sound like you are attacking them, which helps prevent them from raising defensive walls. (34:09-34:25).
10. How does attacking stop communication?

Attacking or becoming defensive during a conversation creates significant barriers to intimacy and effective communication. According to the seminar, here is how these behaviors hinder a marriage:

  • Raises Defensive Walls: When one spouse attacks (often with harsh words), the other person instinctively raises a defensive shield to protect themselves (34:09-34:21). Once these walls are up, the partner stops listening to the actual message; they only focus on the attack itself (34:16-34:21).
  • Escalates Conflict: Responding to a problem by “giving fire for fire” or returning insults ensures that the conversation escalates rather than resolving the issue (34:30-34:36). This prevents the couple from discussing the root of the matter, as both parties become consumed with defending their position rather than understanding the other (1:17:42-1:18:00).
  • Breaks Emotional Safety: Intimacy relies on vulnerability. If a spouse feels that sharing their feelings will lead to being judged, criticized, or rejected, they will stop being open (1:20:58-1:21:16). Dismissive or attacking responses tell the other person that their feelings are unimportant, causing them to withdraw to protect themselves emotionally (1:21:40-1:21:56).

The Power of Clarifying Questions:

Instead of attacking, the seminar emphasizes asking clarifying questions (2:12:48-2:13:30). By asking “Can you explain further?” or “What do you mean by that?”, you demonstrate to your spouse that they are important to you (2:13:20-2:13:30). This shift moves the interaction from a power struggle into a collaborative effort to understand one another, which is the foundation of true intimacy.

11. What are examples of good clarifying questions?

Based on the insights from the seminar, clarifying questions are essential to build emotional safety and ensure you truly understand your spouse’s perspective rather than assuming their intent (2:12:48 - 2:13:30).

Here are effective examples of clarifying questions you can use:

  • To understand their feelings: “Can you help me understand how that situation made you feel?” (2:16:08 - 2:16:11)
  • To seek more detail: “Could you explain what you meant by that so I can be sure I understand correctly?” (2:13:10 - 2:13:20)
  • To show genuine interest: “I want to listen, can you tell me more about what is going on?” (2:13:20 - 2:13:30)
  • To address confusion: “I’m not sure I fully grasp your point; could you break that down for me?”

The goal is to move from defensiveness to a position of empathy (1:21:40 - 1:22:25). By asking these questions, you demonstrate to your spouse that their thoughts and feelings are important to you, which helps lower their defensive walls and opens the door for better communication (2:13:20 - 2:13:42).

12. How can I rebuild lost emotional trust?

The speaker explains that rebuilding lost emotional trust requires creating an environment that is emotionally safe for your spouse to open up again. This involves several intentional steps:

  • Examine your own behavior: If your spouse has withdrawn, you may need to reevaluate if you have been judgmental, critical, or if you have used their vulnerabilities against them in the past (1:21:26-1:22:16).
  • Practice active listening: Prioritize listening over correcting or criticizing. By showing that you are genuinely interested in what your spouse has to say, you signal that they are important to you (2:13:20-2:13:35).
  • Use positive affirmations: To rebuild an ‘emotional bank account,’ focus on speaking positively to your spouse. Regular, sincere affirmations can help offset the damage caused by past criticisms and build a foundation of safety (2:14:32-2:15:47).
  • Be patient and consistent: Rebuilding trust is a process that does not happen overnight. It requires consistent, kind behavior and a willingness to be vulnerable yourself (2:21:40-2:22:20).
13. How does my criticising harm our trust?

The speaker explains that frequent criticism damages the emotional bank account of a marriage. While affirmations add value, each criticism acts as a withdrawal, and if you have not made enough positive deposits, your spouse will be unable to handle the correction (2:14:32-2:15:01).

When you consistently emphasize a spouse’s weaknesses, you create a stumbling block rather than helping them improve, as constant criticism makes it harder for a person to change (1:23:07-1:23:42).

This behavior destroys emotional safety. When a spouse feels that they will be judged, criticized, or rejected for being vulnerable, they will stop sharing openly and may begin to withdraw to protect themselves (1:20:48-1:22:25). Ultimately, this cycle creates a environment where the other person feels they cannot trust you with their emotions any longer (1:21:46-1:21:56).

14. How do I start giving more affirmations?

The speaker suggests several practical ways to use positive affirmations to build your spouse’s self-esteem and restore emotional safety in your marriage (1:23:44-1:24:44):

  • Take a 30-day challenge: Commit to not criticizing your spouse for 30 days. Instead, actively look for everything your spouse does well and speak only those positive observations aloud (2:14:15-2:14:24).
  • Compliment daily efforts: If your spouse dresses well or performs a daily task, make sure to verbalize your appreciation rather than assuming they know how you feel (1:25:26-1:25:31).
  • Focus on strengths: Purposefully direct your attention to your spouse’s strengths rather than emphasizing their weaknesses. The speaker notes that affirming a person’s value helps build the ‘emotional bank account’ required for healthy communication (1:23:44-1:24:44).
  • Validate their feelings: When your spouse shares their struggles with you, show empathy and interest instead of offering corrections or judgment. This reinforces that they are important to you (2:16:04-2:16:19).
  • Express belief in them: Regularly remind your spouse that you believe in them. When they feel supported and affirmed, they are more likely to trust you with their thoughts and vulnerabilities (2:51:29-2:52:13).
15. Does my tone change my words?

The speaker explains that communication is not just about the words spoken; in fact, the tone of your voice accounts for 38% of your message, while non-verbal expressions and body language make up 55%. This means your words carry only 7% of the total message delivered (1:14:48-1:15:15).

Because your tone and body language are heard much more loudly than your actual words, if there is a mismatch—such as speaking kind words while wearing a frowning face—the listener is far more likely to believe the non-verbal cues (1:15:20-1:16:15).

Regarding emotional safety, if your tone is harsh, critical, or dismissive, it destroys the sense of security your spouse needs to be open and vulnerable. This leads them to withdraw to protect themselves from being judged or criticized (1:20:33-1:22:25). To build safety, the speaker emphasizes that you must consciously manage your non-verbal delivery to ensure it aligns with a spirit of love and respect (1:27:44-1:28:30).

16. How do I improve my tone?

Improving your delivery is crucial, as the M.SC IN MARRIAGE seminar highlights that your words carry only 7% of your message, while the tone of voice (38%) and non-verbal actions (55%) carry the remaining impact (1:14:48 - 1:15:15). To align your delivery with a spirit of love and build emotional safety, consider these practical steps:

  • Recognize the Power of Non-Verbals: Understand that your spouse often believes your body language and tone more than your actual words (1:15:47). If your face shows frustration or your tone is harsh, your words of “I love you” may not be received as intended.
  • Practice Self-Regulation: You have the capacity to control your reactions. Just as you would maintain composure when speaking to a boss or authority figure out of respect, you can choose to manage your tone with your spouse (1:29:57 - 1:30:23).
  • Prioritize Empathy Over Correction: Avoid the urge to be the “sanctifier” who constantly critiques. Instead of focusing on your spouse’s weaknesses, focus on their strengths (1:22:47 - 1:23:12).
  • Create an Emotionally Safe Environment: Ensure your non-verbal cues signal openness rather than judgment. If your spouse is vulnerable, avoid being dismissive or reacting with anger, as this forces them to withdraw (1:21:40 - 1:22:25).
  • Use Affirmations: Build your “emotional bank account” by being intentionally positive. When you have a history of kind words and supportive actions, your spouse is much better equipped to handle necessary difficult conversations (2:14:27 - 2:15:14).
17. Why is emotional safety important in marriage?

The speaker explains that emotional safety is the foundation of intimacy in marriage. Without it, couples cannot speak freely, openly, or honestly because they fear being judged, criticized, rejected, or betrayed (1:20:33 - 1:21:16).

Key reasons why emotional safety is vital include:

  • Enabling Vulnerability: Sex and deep communication are highly vulnerable acts. When a spouse feels safe, they can be transparent; when that safety is broken, they naturally withdraw to protect themselves (1:55:46 - 1:56:01).
  • Encouraging Honest Communication: An environment of safety allows partners to share their true feelings without the risk of their words being used against them later (1:21:05 - 1:21:16).
  • Fueling Intimacy: Emotional intimacy acts as the gateway to other forms of closeness, including sexual intimacy. If emotional safety is damaged, a couple’s ability to connect in these other areas typically declines (1:52:39 - 1:53:01).
18. Can trust be fixed after being hurt?

The speaker confirms that it is possible to restore trust and improve a marriage, even if it has not been going well in the past. Marriage is described as something that can be learned and improved over a lifetime, similar to how one might study to succeed in a business (1:51:16 - 1:51:37).

To restore trust and emotional safety, the speaker recommends the following:

  • Be intentional about change: Acknowledge that the current situation did not start today, and commit to being kind and patient, even when not expecting immediate results (3:46:25 - 3:46:47).
  • Create a safe environment: Work consistently to make your spouse feel safe enough to lose their fear and become vulnerable. This involves being patient, receptive, and avoiding judgmental or critical responses (2:46:05 - 2:46:27).
  • Seek guidance: The speaker suggests that couples should pray and potentially seek counseling to help navigate these difficult times and learn better ways to interact (2:46:53 - 2:47:03).
  • Practice sacrifice: Because love requires sacrifice, one must be willing to put in the effort to change behaviors that have damaged the relationship (2:46:37 - 2:46:45).
19. Does prayer help fix a marriage?

The seminar emphasizes that prayer is a foundational tool for navigating marital conflicts and restoring trust. According to the speaker, prayer helps in the following ways:

  • Heart Alignment: When couples pray together, even during times of misunderstanding, they are encouraged to present their hearts to God. This allows Him to check their motives and help them move past bitterness, enabling them to rise from prayer with a spirit of apology and reconciliation (20:08-21:52).
  • Gaining Perspective: During prayer, God can reveal a spouse’s true perspective, helping a partner see that the other did not intend to hurt them, which dissolves offenses and fosters new love (20:15-20:52).
  • Accessing Grace: The speaker notes that when one feels unable to initiate conflict resolution, they should go to God and ask for the grace and strength to do the right thing, even when they do not feel like it (245:15-245:41).
  • Healing Emotional Wounds: Prayer helps couples move beyond their own willpower. By involving the Holy Spirit, partners can find the patience and wisdom needed to create an emotionally safe environment where fear is reduced and vulnerability can be restored (245:56-246:27).
20. Why is emotional safety important to God?

The seminar explains that marriage is God’s idea, and He intends for it to be a place of healing and transformation where His purposes are fulfilled (1:04:22-1:04:44). Emotional safety is important to God because it acts as the foundation for intimacy and vulnerability, which are necessary for a godly union (1:20:33-1:21:16). When spouses create an environment where they feel safe—free from the fear of rejection, judgment, or betrayal—they can be vulnerable and honest with each other as God intended (1:20:53-1:21:16).

The speaker notes that God does not want couples to be isolated or to suffer in silence; instead, He wants them to rely on Him as their head to receive the wisdom and grace needed to nurture that safety (2:54:38-2:56:54). By involving the Holy Spirit, couples can move past selfishness, pride, and fear, allowing them to mirror the love and trust that God desires for their relationship (1:30:30-1:31:06; 2:06:11-2:06:21).

21. Why does God want us vulnerable?

The seminar explains that marriage is God’s idea, intended to be a space for healing and transformation where His purposes for families are fulfilled (1:04:22 - 1:04:44). Vulnerability within a context of emotional safety is important to God for several reasons:

  • Foundation for Intimacy: God designed marriage for deep connection, and vulnerability acts as the gateway to that intimacy. When spouses create a safe environment free from judgment, criticism, or betrayal, they can be truly open and honest with one another as God intended (1:20:33 - 1:21:16).
  • Avoiding Isolation: God does not want couples to be isolated or to suffer in silence. He expects partners to look to Him as their “head” to receive the grace and wisdom needed to build this safety (2:54:38 - 2:56:54).
  • Overcoming Human Weakness: By involving the Holy Spirit, couples can move beyond personal pride, selfishness, and fear. This allows them to mirror the love and trust that God desires for their union, rather than relying solely on their own limited strength (1:30:30 - 1:31:06; 2:06:11 - 2:06:21).
22. How does the Holy Spirit help marriages?

The speaker explains that the Holy Spirit is central to marriage as He provides the divine help needed to navigate challenges beyond human willpower. Specifically, He works in the following ways:

  • Overcoming Weaknesses: By feeding on scripture, couples allow the Holy Spirit to strengthen their spirits, which helps them put fleshly tendencies like selfishness, pride, and fear under control (2:05:44 - 2:06:01).
  • Fostering Vulnerability: The Holy Spirit helps spouses read the moment and provides the boldness and wisdom needed to initiate difficult or vulnerable conversations (2:20:24 - 2:20:34).
  • Building Emotional Safety: Through prayer, the Holy Spirit helps partners present their hearts to God. He can reveal a spouse’s true perspective, dissolve bitterness, and grant the patience and grace required to create an environment where the other person feels safe enough to open up (20:15 - 20:52; 245:56 - 246:27).
23. How does scripture help my spirit?

According to the speaker, Pastor Schollah, feeding on scripture is fundamental to spiritual maturity and the healing of marital issues because it transforms an individual from the inside out. Here is how this process works:

  • Strengthening the Spirit: The speaker explains that reading scripture consistently allows your spirit to become stronger (2:05:44 - 2:05:51). When your spirit is well-fed, it is better equipped to partner with your mind to subdue the “flesh”—which is where tendencies toward selfishness and pride originate (2:03:07 - 2:03:13).
  • Guidance for the Holy Spirit: Scripture acts as a primary tool for the Holy Spirit to instruct you. Without feeding on the Word, it is difficult to hear or follow the Spirit’s lead when your natural, fleshly instincts want to pull you in the opposite direction (2:05:31 - 2:05:44).
  • Cultivating the Fruit of the Spirit: The speaker notes that as one feeds on the Word, virtues like love, patience, and kindness grow naturally within you (2:02:50 - 2:03:07). This inner change is what ultimately allows a spouse to set aside pride and respond to their partner with grace rather than defensiveness or fear (2:03:16 - 2:03:31).
  • Practical Application: The speaker suggests that couples engage in shared Bible devotions and reading plans together. Doing this as a unit helps overcome the natural resistance of the flesh to spiritual discipline and creates a shared foundation for growth in the home (2:01:28 - 2:02:23).